Hello my beauts, yes I know what you are all thinking.. where the hell have I been? I will admit first hand, I am not the greatest at keeping up with the whole blogging thing, mostly because this is not my full-time job or hobby as one may say. I am not a profesh YouTuber where I can dedicate all my time towards writing and uploading blogs all the time as much as I would love to do that. First things first, it’s a new year…. you know what that means? A fresh new start, and a time to create new goals and stick to them. You always want to keep in mind that in order to achieve certain goals they need to be realistic or else you will never get to where you want. Within this blog post today, I wanted to share with you guys some life updates and basically the trouble I have been getting myself into lately… just kidding ! But really though, I honestly wanted to share this with you guys, more for the fact of providing more insight on different topics and really giving you guys an up close and personal sight towards these “issues” that have been going on within my life. So where to begin?? In 2016, it really was not that bad of a year for myself. I am not one to say, “omg I am so happy it’s 2017 now and that 2016 is history“. I will admit however, that in 2016 a lot of things really did open my eyes. One of those topics including finding who I really am as an individual. Honestly, if you were to pull me aside one day and ask me to tell you a bit about myself , I probably would not really know what to say.Sure I can say I am a twin, I am 23 years old and I graduated from Brock University but what does that really say about myself as an individual and my personality?
The past few months have been both ups and downs for me, and a lot of doctors appointments coming out my asshole, and literally out my asshole. I honestly have never had so many back to back appointments in my life, I literally have one every two weeks or two within the same week…. and no I am not dying. A lot of these doctors appointments have been geared towards mental health issues and underlying issues that have been kind of suppressed to the side. I think I knew I had to figure something out and do something about these issues when I woke up one day realising I literally have zero energy. I had no motivation to do anything, and my job seemed so exhausting each and every day. I just was not feeling myself whatsoever, really not too happy as well. Looking back on this feeling, I am so glad it finally just hit me square in the face, and literally yelled “you need to f***ing do something or you are going to feel deprived of life“. It was like someone was looking down on me and told me to wake up. When discussing mental health, I am really open to this topic. If you were to ask me 3 or 4 years ago to share my life I would say no way in hell. In reality though, there are so many people who have mental health problems, and you know what? That is okay. It is okay to not be normal, in fact what is normal? I am not embarrassed of these issues nor am I ashamed to share them with others. In fact I am hoping that these discussions spread and share some light towards this highly controversial topic to let others know that it is okay to talk about mental health. Anyways aside from my little rant, I kind of knew that my eating habits were getting worse which resulted in low energy levels. One might state, “well then eat better“, but in reality, someone who suffers from an eating disorder thinks this is nearly impossible to do unless help is there. It’s strange how you view yourself and how others view you. We are so harsh on our bodies and yet I am one to talk. I am probably my worst enemy when it comes to body image and accepting who you are as a person and as an individual. Instead of days where I would purge a couple times, it became a daily routine. If I ate too much simply because I would starve myself all day, I would purge as well, keeping the constant routine or binging and purging. It really is a vicious cycle, especially when you become sucked up into it. I honestly knew deep down I had to do something about it and asap.
I actually mentioned to my family doctor during a checkup not too long ago, that my eating disorders had come back and they are in more effect than ever. She then guided me in the right direction towards getting the proper help that I needed. I started seeing a therapist who started helping me control my anxiety better and discuss my eating habits. Although she was not too knowledgeable in the eating disorder category, she did suggest seeing a dietician as well. She could see that my eating disorders were triggered by anxiety and my way of controlling and coping with stressful situations was to control my eating.Seeing the dietician has really helped a great deal. She helps provide me with different small baby steps that I can improve to each one of my meals to ensure I am getting enough nutrients each day. However the dietician is only temporary and she is there to provide support for me until I am accepted into an eating disorders program. Unfortunately, the only downfall to receiving help towards mental health, is the help may not always be there right away… it does take time. I was sad to hear that there was a 3-month waiting list for this program, but I am happy to have that support system with me until then. Overall, I am so proud of myself for acknowledging the fact that I really needed the extra help that I couldn’t have accomplished on my own. Sometimes, it is okay to ask for help. I feel that some people are ashamed to reach out and ask for that help. I was that person too, and really thought that I was okay on my own…. in reality… I was not.
“There is always help”
24 hour Hamilton Crisis line- 905-972-8338
So this is continuing til this day even as I type this. I am seeing a therapist and dietician every few weeks to make sure I am on track. So now onto my next topic and that is anxiety….not just general anxiety but social anxiety. Honestly, I really should have expected this and seen this coming. In previous blogs I have mentioned about having anxiety all my life and always being a generally shy and nervous person. While talking to my therapist I have realised that I have been diagnosed with severe social anxiety. I was not too shocked to hear this because I hate speaking on the phone, always care what others think/how I present myself and fear speaking in front of people. I will never forget what one of my family members said to me a while back he said, “how are you going to be a teacher if you are afraid of talking to people“. That honestly dug into me like knives because he was right in a sense. I planned on becoming an elementary school teacher but hated doing presentations and just in general, speaking to people. A sense of sadness came over me as well because honestly ,it was something about myself that I really could not change that much I mean…. I am just in general a quiet and shy individual. I did not really see myself as having that severe of social anxiety but looking back now.. I can see the red flags, I think I just tried to ignore them. I would often get so down on myself because I thought, “how am I supposed to have any kind of career if I have a fear of speaking to people?“. I knew that something had to be done, especially when my best friend suggested I take a course with her soon that would look great on a resume and be super beneficial towards my degree. I simply asked her, “what do we have to do in the one day course?“. She answered “icebreakers, some short presentations…“.By that point, I was done. Bye Felicia . See you. I can NOT do that. In fact I believe she had asked me in November about the course and I was already developing nerves for it… this course I believe is in January. I felt so down on myself and felt that I could not accomplish anything due to my social anxiety. Finally, a light switch went off and I knew that I could help myself out. My therapist recommended attending a social anxiety group which happens once a week. You know those things you see in movies where everyone sits around in a circle? Ya I am pretty sure that is it. First thing I said to her was, “you have got to be kidding me…. I hate speaking to people yet I will be in a group being forced to speak to others… you’re crazy”. She then reminded me that all of these other people within the group will be around my age, and they all have some form of social anxiety. Ok she was right. Why am I really that nervous meanwhile they are all probably shitting themselves as well? To this day I have not attended any of these sessions, but I do have an orientation coming up for the group this week. To be honest, I am nervous. I think it is fear of the unknown. I do not know what to expect and fear that the worst is going to happen.
Honestly I have to wake up and remind myself each day that you are doing something to better your life. I have accepted the fact that I have some underlying mental health problems, but I am finally doing something to cope with them to a better ability. If you are struggling with mental health problems please know you are not alone and that there is always someone to talk to and help is always there for you to grab. It may take some convincing and pushes to get out of your comfort zone but you got this. It is 2017, the acceptance of mental health and mental illnesses are growing, do not be afraid to challenge these head on.
I really hope you guys enjoyed reading this little update blog on where I have been and what has been going on! If you guys enjoy this post I will keep you guys updated on the progress and so forth. Love who you are as an individual and do not be afraid to explore.
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Much love xo.