Hey beauts! I hope everyone is having a great week & I am so happy it’s Friday tomorrow thank god! Phew! It has been an up and down week but felt pretty productive so I am happy about that! I finally am starting to feel more productive with my days & that truly is a blessing. Not going to lie, some days I really just want to lounge, chill and lay in bed. I’m not sad by any means, I honestly just don’t know what to do with my days sometimes, or I just have very little energy. Anyone with me? Lately though, I have developed a “routine” if you want to call it, mainly for work and that helps me out a ton. Not only do you feel more energized, but you feel like you are actually doing something with your days. You let your body start to follow the same routine and daily tasks start to become easier. I used to find it so difficult to get up in the mornings, I would not feel refreshed at all, I would feel sluggish and I would honestly think about my nap later on. Now, my body naturally wakes up around 6 or 7 and I do feel refreshed. Of course somedays I do wake up wanting more sleep... I mean I wouldn’t be normal if I didn’t think that somedays no matter how much sleep I got.
I truly feel like I am starting to better myself in really good ways and that honestly makes me feel so happy. I am finding ways to better myself but I am still learning to accept my flaws, and that my beauts, is not an easy thing to do. I have struggled for years and years trying to accept one of my biggest flaws that I have. This flaw has literally drove me crazy for years. This flaw my beauts, is the dreaded “S” word. The word that has haunted me since forever and has always stuck with me through elementary school, high school, university and still lingers beside me even to this day. Shyness. Oh god , that word used to make me cringe and I felt so ashamed to have this “awful” trait.
I have so many vivid memories of this personality trait and characteristic holding me back from certain situations or events. I hated it. High school was a nightmare because I was so afraid to get out of my comfort zone and mingle with people. I only new my twin sister and was super new to Hamilton. I knew no one and I could not push myself to talk to anyone. I sat with my sister for lunch and didn’t really make too many friends.
Fast forward to university, for first year of university I was in residence and I hated it. I went home every weekend because I was so shy. I didn’t know anyone & I didn’t want to talk to anyone on my floor. I was secretly known as the “stuck up bitch” which I had mentioned in a previous blog post because I was so “shy”.
You automatically get judged when you are shy. I have literally heard so many times before “ why are you so shy?” Or I often have people throwing in my face that they are not shy, that talking to people is a breeze. I remember when I was going through university to be a teacher, and I was asked one question that literally killed me. I was asked, “how are you supposed to be a teacher if you can’t talk to anyone”. That shot my confidence down a ton and I hated how I was. I was often judged so bad for this trait that I felt ashamed to be known as “the shy girl “. I often sat in my room at night time, wishing and dreaming, that I would be cured of this awful trait. I wish I could talk to a random joe blow on the corner and ask what time it was. I wish I could be like Tana Mongeau and not give to shits about things!
I wish I could be the life of the party and show up not even drunk & chat up a storm. My list was big. Boy did I ever wish I could just change how I was , and be more “outgoing”. I always wondered, “why me?”, and thought that if I was more outgoing, I would have more friends. I dreamt.
It literally took me 25 years. 25 years to finally accept my personality, my traits and how I presented myself to others. Do I accept myself and love myself 110% all the time? No . Am I kinder to myself and watch how I speak to myself now? Absolutely. Although I am working on accepting some of my other flaws, the one flaw that I finally have accepted is being “that shy girl”, and you know what? I’m going to friggen work being that “shy girl”. After all these years of thinking I had some sort of disease, thinking “why me?”, I proudly can say fuck it. Fuck the feeling of having to come off as the “outgoing girl” all the time, and screw the individuals that don’t accept who you are, they don’t deserve to be in your life. They don’t deserve to get to know you or to know you better. Bye Felecia! See you next Tuesday!
I remember clear as day, my younger sister came home upset a while back because of what one of her ex’s mom had said. She apparently didn’t really like my sister because she was “shy”. I couldn’t believe it. How dare somebody dislike something like that about someone, something that makes you YOU. Of course this broke my sister and made her feel embarrassed, ashamed and upset. Do you want to know what that family ended up missing out on? A beautiful girl inside & out, someone who is extremely artistic , someone who puts others before themselves and someone who has a heart of gold. Often people who are shy are judged so easily right off the bat and this absolutely grinds my gears. Even though someone is suffering from shyness, doesn’t mean that they are stuck up or any less of a person. We so often shame people for having this trait and that disgusts me.
Sure I may have a very hard time engaging in conversations with individuals face to face sometimes, my heart may start to race when I have to speak publicly, I may stumble on my words when speaking out loud, or I may even turn down some social events because I feel like they are too much. You know what? That’s okay. I have finally learned that it’s okay. It’s okay to maybe skip out on the big social event that’s coming up if it helps you sleep better. It’s okay to pass on big gatherings if that’s not your cup of tea. It’s also however okay to push yourself when you can out of your comfort zone. Even if that means you are extremely quiet at that big huge event. Even if that means you only speak to your best friend out of 100 individuals there. It’s also okay to have that one glass of red wine to calm those nerves.
I have been so ashamed for years but I can not express the importance of taking a step back, taking a deep breath, & saying in the mirror “I love who I am, my shyness and all”. One thing I do really find that helps me out a ton when dealing with my little extra “friend” (hence I didn’t say disease!), are people around me that have patience and understanding. My boyfriend is amazing for that. I truly could not have found a more understanding and beautiful soul. My boyfriend, Dayten, isn’t really shy and sometimes tries to help me get out of my comfort zone, but without pushing me too far! At social events, he offers to grab my glass of wine and stands by my side. He knows that I struggle with interactions at times, so always ensures I am good. He holds my hand and helps me engage in some difficult conversations with others. He doesn’t push me to-attend things I am not that fond of, and never once puts me down or centres out of “shyness“. He is a breath of fresh air.
Find someone who doesn’t centre out your shyness, and find someone who doesn’t judge. You need to surround yourself with positive people in your life, ones who uplift you. So you are shy? Big deal. You are just as smart, just as beautiful and just as important as that outgoing girl down the street. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you are a failure because you are a little quieter than others, I know the feeling, and trust me, you are far from that. So you were nominated as valedictorian & had to turn it down because the thought of speaking in front of your class was enough to make you puke. I get it. I would’ve done the same. But hey, girl you graduated and that’s something you should be extremely proud of yourself for. You effin graduated! Off to the next chapter! You got this and I couldn’t be more proud of you!
There are so many opportunities in this world and you have so much to be proud about. YOU DO YOU!
“I’m bringing shyness back, yeah! Them other f*ckers don’t know how to act, yeah!” – que Justin Timberlake.