Hello and good morning my beautiful souls! Wow, has it even been a long time since I last published a blog on my page. I have been pretty busy, to say the least, trying to sort things out in my life, figuring out what I truly want to do (don’t think about asking me because I am the most indecisive person on the entire planet haha), and trying to get a better handle on my mental health. It’s no secret that anxiety is a huge part of my life. I have discussed this on my page many times and love to share information and tips on my social media pages. In fact, I actually created a new Instagram page strictly dedicated to anxiety tips, tricks, and discussion of all things mental health. I absolutely adore discussing mental health on my page but knew that it needed its’ own page so we can dive deeper into more meaningful chats and sip coffee together (in a cute mug of course…duh).
Feel free to go follow my newest page addition @cupfullofworries which focuses on all things anxiety. Simply a safe space to spill some tips and to help pour out those anxious thoughts. I am extremely excited to have this newest addition and can’t wait to connect with other individuals who may be struggling as well. It’s very fascinating to me because if you do suffer from anxiety, there are different severities of it and so many different triggers that are out there. Sometimes you think, “Everyone must be going through the same thing”, or maybe on the other side of the scale “why am I the one that has to be so nervous and jittery all the time?!” In reality, though, everyone is different, everyone handles situations differently, and everyone is going through different things. However, individuals who suffer from anxiety can experience similar symptoms, whether physical, emotional, or psychological that we can all get together as a community and discuss. That’s the beauty of this page and the vision I had in mind, welcome!
An open & safe space to sip on our cup of worries, spill some tips & help pour out those anxious thoughtsπ€ All things anxiety.
Soooo…. to say this year has been a bit of a clusterfuck is an understatement. I know we all go through a lot, I mean that’s life. I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason, no matter how shitty they are. This year has deff had it’s ups and downs. I have been noticing changes in my mind and body this year that kind of alarmed me. To put it in blunt terms, I felt “like a zombie”, very “isolated” and “not myself”. I remember even thinking, “I wish I just simply existed but wasn’t noticed”. That thought scared me. I have had my “really rough times” with anxiety but honestly have never had that thought cross my mind. I tried to pinpoint what could be causing these and it wasn’t the easiest. One thing that I was certain of… I was not happy. I needed to figure out what was happening and decided to sit down to brainstorm. I analyzed my friend group, current relationships, work environment and other major aspects of my life. I came to the conclusion I was not happy at my job which in turn had a cycle affect on other parts of my life. I was not comfortable with a lot of things at work, which I am not going to get into, but I stuck through it. I realized this was a huge portion of which my anxiety was coming from. I tried to make my “free time” outside of work really enjoyable and tried to find things that made me happy, even if that meant something small. I showed up, did my job, went home and let out my stress at the gym. The problem was, I would often bring work home with me. I couldn’t keep it at work. My brain was working overtime and I hated it. BUT, I kept my job. Even though I was extremely uncomfortable, I reminded myself “it’s just a job”.
Everything happens for a reason.
I seriously think someone may have been looking out for me, or somebody knew that this wasn’t the environment I was supposed to be in. I ended up being let go from that job which was a blessing hidden in disguise but at the same time, nobody likes the feeling of being let go. During this time I really tried to focus on myself. I thought maybe since the biggest hectic thing that was going on was now gone, maybe I would be ok. However, this was not the case. In fact, the uneasiness didn’t seem to go away, I felt still the same levels of anxiety and isolation. I hated feeling like this. I remember telling my mom, “I feel like I am constantly walking on egg shells”. I felt like anything I did, my fear of judgement was amplified. Things I used to enjoy doing I no longer enjoyed anymore. I felt nervous posting anything on social media (not like me), I turned down plans with friends, I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I felt like I was back to square one with my anxiety. Everything I have learned over the years felt like it was out the door and that was such an awful feeling.
I tried to remain consistent with my workouts because that was something I knew calmed me, but there were even times where I felt I had zero motivation or energy anymore. I was losing myself and I knew that. Of course I have had nothing but time to think about everything, really analyze my thoughts wandering around in mind and try to dissect them. It came down to one question, “What the heck was truly causing this?!” Seems pretty simple to answer, but it took me a while to finally figure out the true reason behind this very low in my life. I discovered that my self confidence was gone. I figured out that anything I would do, whether it was performing at a job, having a simple conversation with someone, or maybe wanting to try something new. I automatically was bombarded with intense thoughts of “You can’t do that”, “it won’t be good enough”, or even “I won’t do that well”. I didn’t have any confidence in my skills or abilities. I automatically thought I was not capable of doing something, and this included things I didn’t even try yet. How can you have these thoughts if you have never even tried a certain thing before? I do believe that at my last job I was impacted greatly through the diminishment of my self-confidence. I went through a lot. My confidence was left behind while I walked away. The biggest thing I realized was that I needed to find that self-confidence again. I needed that in order to ease my nerves and be ok with different situations that are going to arise in the future. I wanted to get back to the activities I enjoyed. I wanted to be happy again. I just turned 30 and I want to feel alive again.
“I want to feel alive again”.
I don’t think it’s morbid to say that. I think it’s brave and shows strength. I did want to feel alive again and that’s why I chose to pick up the phone, call the doctor and book a therapist appointment. I have been on the fence about it for a bit. I have been to therapy in the past and really enjoyed it. However, I honestly thought I didn’t need it again, that I was okay, that I could snap out of this mood and be fine. I realized I needed to speak to someone again. I have my first therapy apt coming up at the beginning of December and can’t wait to blog about it & share all the details with you guys. I enjoy documenting things as a reflection to look back on as well as spreading awareness that anxiety can be a pain in the ass but help is always there. It’s okay to feel like you have your shit together and then the next thing you know it is you feel completely lost.
One thing we need to remember is that we are not permanently lost. You will find yourself again and I know I will.
itsthelittlethingsinlifethatmatter 
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