Hey there beauts! Yes I can’t believe it myself… I am actually here, typing, writing, present and more than ever I am BACK. I have been MIA if you want to call it for a long long time. Sometimes life gets in the way and you know what? That is quite okay. I used to see myself as a failure if I got behind, if I let someone down and now I am finally learning to not be so hard on myself, and this my dear… is a fantastic feeling. I honestly didn’t know if I would get back into blogging or not, I quite frankly don’t know who reads my blogs but tonight I felt like typing after 6 months. I know most of the time I am stressed out about something or my anxiety goes off the wall over things I can never control… anyone else with me? My motivation dies, I make excuses like “I can’t find the time”, and I push my hobby to the side. Now I finally feel back to myself, even though it has taken quite some time. I needed to heal, I needed to gather myself again & more importantly, find myself again. I know those of you who follow me on my other social media accounts kind of have an idea of what has been happening over the past 9 months of my life. Those of you who don’t know me & are now stumbling across my account welcome. Is this going to be the happiest of my blogs? No. Am I in a better place now than I was months ago? Absolutely. So grab a glass of wine, some chips and here’s my story.
You know how hard heartbreaks are? No I am not talking about that shitty boyfriend who cheated on you, or your boyfriend of two years, I am talking about a best friend, not just one but two. So imagine a breakup with your boyfriend times two. That was my life, and did I ever think this would be this hard? Never. See, growing up I never really had too close of friends, I had friends but never really really close ones. I had one best friend since kindergarten into university but after university that faded and died. I get it, people grow apart and that’s life. I accepted it.
Carefree, beautiful, high-energy and adventurous is one way to describe her. I met my new best friend in my second year of university, she was my roommate. I lived across the hall from her, and our friendship grew every single day. I was super shy but she brought me out of my shell and I really needed that push. We did everything together and she helped me get through a very hard time in my life. I had a pretty bad dark phase to say the least but I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for her so I truly thank her for that. Rewind a year before that and that’s when I met my other best-friend. I met her in my first year of university in a lecture hall. I can’t believe somebody actually spoke to me first as I sat their anxiously, nervously, with hundreds of people around me. We were in the same program and we had back to back lectures. Again another friendship grew and I was finally feeling accepted. She helped me with my studies and we motivated each other. She was my partner in crime and I introduced her to my roommate. Together, we became the three amigos. We were pretty much inseparable, and we posted on instagram with our belligerent drunk pictures, where we danced goofy, laughed endlessly and enjoyed life. I loved them. I loved them like they were my family and I still do love them.
Unfortunately things happen in life, sometimes things that you never think would happen. I used to imagine each other’s lives, visiting with my children one day, and having our wine nights when the kids went down. We had matching tattoos that empowered us, I use to think I was absolutely invincible when I was with them. They made me feel on top of the world. Unfortunately, our powerful and unique friendship did not last. Things unfolded, arguments happened and things got ugly. By ugly, I mean crying nights, sleepless nights and times were I could not eat. Seems a bit dramatic you may be thinking right? I thought so but then again, I have never experienced a true friendship like that before and I was hurting. Hurting enough that things were said on both sides that were nasty, disgusting and ugly. I was absolutely heartbroken the day everything ended. When calls went to voicemail, and we all became strangers. I often questioned myself as to where this all went downhill, if we could’ve avoided all this, but then again, what’s done is done. For the first few months I was angry, angry beyond belief. I am stubborn and wanted to accept and believe the fact that it wasn’t ME who messed up and that was my first red flag. I realized that months later when I tried to reach out again, apologizing for my behalf of the arguments, where I went wrong.
That conversation went nowhere. If anything, it got worse and I knew nothing better was going to come out of this, as much as I wanted so f***ing bad for things to work. I didn’t want to throw away memories, the past, and lose this. I really didn’t want to lose this. Arguments were starting amongst my boyfriend and I all the time over this, he wanted to make sure I was okay, afteralll my mental health was going downhill and I could tell. I needed my therapist but she was booked, I needed to freeze time, I need to start over again. Finally, after endless talks and discussions with the family, I had to make a hard decision. One that wasn’t made overnight, one that took thought and courage. That was the power to let go. If there’s one piece of advice I can offer from this super long and sappy blog, it’s that YOU are in control. You do have the power to let go if you want to. You have to weigh the pros and cons of everything in life. I knew that it was not going to clear up and I wasn’t prepared to go a one way street, it needed to work three ways. Always remember to take care of yourself. Your mental health is absolutely everything, and you need to always ensure you are okay. Take the time to talk to people, talk to loved ones, and don’t keep things bottled in. Keeping things bottled in becomes hostile and slowly, you will see yourself deteriorate.
You need to live your own life. If that requires taking certain people out of your life or changing certain aspects you need to do that, after all , you owe yourself that at least. For me, it took months, more than 8 months to find my happiness again and to find myself again. I kept thinking I would never heal, and I would always be in a downward spiral going nowhere. I thought I would never let any friends close into my life again but that’s far from the truth and I can assure you that. Even though everything is far from perfect, life gets in the way, and things go wrong remember things always get better. There is always a light, even though it may take a while… mine did… you will be okay. I wanted to take the time to write this post not only to share my story and advice with you beauts, but this is a form of healing. A healing I prayed for.
Am I completely healed? Absolutely not. Will I always have a place in my heart for those girls, absolutely. Do I hate them? No. They helped me get through university which was not easy for me. I am at a point in my life where life is too short to hold on to regrets, negativity and the past. It takes so much energy to hate someone, to wish them a terrible life. It takes no energy to move on with yours, to focus on yourself and to create positive vibes. I want nothing but the best for them, and I will continue to wish that. But now, it’s my turn. It’s my turn to return to my normal life, my shy/bubbly self, my goofy dance moves, singing “poor unfortunate souls” by Ursula on Karaoke, and drinking my red wine. It’s my turn to live my life again, to meet new people and to laugh endlessly.
It’s my turn.